Posts Under Category Standup Comedy
Sir Humphry Applebee on diplomacy
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
Jon Stewart on Immigration and the Kama Sutra
[on Congressman Virgil Goode's comment that "the Virgil Goode position on immigration" would keep Muslims from controlling Congress] For those of you unfamiliar with the Virgil Goode Position, in the Kama Sutra it’s where a man masturbates while his head is up his own ass.
Bill Maher on God’s ego
Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
Bill Maher on that thread job
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone, Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
Bill Maher on their taste
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher on Churches and Taxes
If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that’s one of those services that goes along with paying in. I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
George Carlin on the meaning of it all
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
George Carlin on groups and people
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
George Carlin on the abortion and the omlette
Here’s another question I have. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we’re better than chickens. [brief pause] See, nobody can do [...]
George Carlin on Frisbeetarianism
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
