House M.D. – (4-04) Guardian Angels

“Dark religious nut.”
“What did you call me?”
“I’m sorry. What do you people want to be called this week?”
“Cole.”
“I’m never gonna remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minority to the funeral home. ”
“The rest of you young white people, the world is your oyster. Get an MRI with contrast, EEG, LP, and blood panel. And, Angels, be careful.”
“Just because he’s religious doesn’t mean he won’t kick your ass.”
“You wanna bet?”
“No, I want you to stop being such a jerk to him.”
[House pulls out a Benjamin, which was hidden in his desk, and flaps its ends outwards in front of Cameron.]
“One hundred dollars.”
“Smart call. Guy’s a wuss. He’s gonna be the next one on the train.”
“Define “kick your ass.”
“Any physical confrontation…”
“Or verbal?”
“Define verbal.”
“Anything over…seventy decibels. And you can’t start suddenly being nice to him.”
“You realize what you’re encouraging here.”
“Yeah, someone kickin’ your ass.”

_____________________________________

“I want you to do a brain biopsy on a forty-eight-year-old dead guy.”
“The guy’s already been buried. ”
“We dig him up.”
“I am not digging up a body without a court order.”
“Don’t think of it as digging up a body. Think of it as keeping another one from being buried.”

“I can’t do it.”
“We gonna have another one of those ecumenical discussions where I tell you that your beliefs are ridiculous and you totally cave?”
“I just gotta be home at six.”
“The Sabbath. The Lord works for six days, then tells the Union he needs a rest. You know, if I was all-powerful, I’d take at least two days. ”
“It’s Thursday.”
“Well, then it must be the kid.”
“You have oatmeal on your pants.”
“Do you have a camera in here?”
“No. I was guessing. He had oatmeal on his pants yesterday and the day before. Have one of your wives look after the spawn.”
“I’m a single dad.”
“Where’s the single mom?”
“I have no idea.”
“Interesting. You claim a lapse of judgment, or you gonna admit that a lapse in judgment is a lapse in faith?”

_____________________________________

“I have a theory. Maybe you can help me out. Black Mormon means masochist. Means kinky. I’m thinking that someone got hurt making the bastard. Am I right?”
“You leave my son out of this.”
“I wasn’t referring to your kid’s hypocrisy. I was referring to yours.”

_____________________________________

“Can I… help you?”
“My patient’s talking to my Grandpa Walt.”
“You have a Grandpa Walt?”
“Nope. Which is what made me suspect that maybe she’s not actually seeing into the afterlife.”
“What is this sudden obsession with the afterlife?”
“Only obsession is with the idiots in the right-here-and-now life who think there’s an afterlife.”
“And you want me to…?”
“Nothing. Just need a place to hang low for awhile. I’m pretending to be spooked.”
“Because…?”
“Because if my soon-to-be-brain-dead patient thinks that I believe her, maybe she’ll let me chat with her mother’s ghost. ”
“The one you don’t believe exists.”
“Exactly. The ghost is a hallucination, which is the result of a delusion which most likely is the result of a hereditary disease that her mother died from when the patient was four.”
“And you think you can tap into her subconscious memory by tapping into her hallucination. ”
“Hmm-mm. She might not know what caused her mother’s death, but she will know how she acted before she died.”
“You’re quite impressed with yourself right now, aren’t you?”
“[snorts] Who wouldn’t be? [checks his watch] Well, that should be long enough. Back in a flash.”
“Take your time.”

_____________________________________

“She was convulsing, delirious, and hyper-salivating. We had to knock her out with lorazepam.”
“Well, it’s definitely not vascular.”
“What do you want us to do?”
“Question is what would Joseph Smith do?”
“This isn’t the time for…”
“Casting out the demons?”
“The patient’s not possessed, she’s dying. You can mock me tomorrow.”
“You believe that the Book has all the answers. ”
“To morality, not science!”
“But the book is inconsistent with science. You know how many epileptics were tortured because they were possessed? How many teenage witches were stoned to death ’cause they took mushrooms?”
“Just shut up already! We got a patient dying!”
“Either got to prescribe an exorcism or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud.”
[That's all Cole can take. He pivots round and punches House in the mouth. House slams into a cabinet, but stays upright. The others restrain Cole. House's bottom lip is bleeding. The others are startled. Cole sighs, expecting to be fired. Amber has an epiphany.]
“I know what she has.”
“You couldn’t have spoken up ten seconds ago? You coulda saved me a hundred bucks.”
“[beaming] Mushrooms weren’t the only thing that got people stoned to death. Jimson weed, belladonna, mandrake root, and… moldy bread. It’s Ergot poisoning. ”
“You okay with an answer based on evolution?”
“[uncertainly] Yeah.”
“Hypocrite.”
_____________________________________

“Cash will be fine.”
[getting the money] “I bet you say that to all the guys.”
[He takes out a hundred and hands it to her.]
“Take your blood money.”
“Who are you gonna protect next?”
“If I told you, it wouldn’t work.”