House M.D. – (4-06) Whatever it Takes

“If you’re willing to help us, we need to leave now. “
“If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they better be working their way through college. “

“Okay, what do you got?”
“Hereditary brain disorder, transient ischemia, or paraneoplastic syndrome. None of those go away with IV fluids. It’s heatstroke. “
“Or Cushing’s or calcium deficiency. “

“Who’s your friend?”
“We use the term “life partner”.”
“Get a fresh history, neurological exam, and an MRI of her head. [following Smith out] Fifteen minutes for the lap dance, a half hour to scrub the guilt off my soul. [checks his watch] See you in forty-five. “

________________________________________

“This is Dr. Sidney Curtis from the Mayo Clinic. He’s also agreed to help with the diagnosis. “

“Curtis on Immunology” Sidney Curtis?
“[pleased] Oh, you’ve read it?”
“Nope! But it is keeping my piano level. ”

________________________________________

“He’s deathly ill. Why would he lie about drinking?”
“Guilt over killing a man. Make anyone hit the sauce. “
“We don’t kill people. “
“Right. You just lie to your friends and family, establish false identities, trick people into betraying their country. He’d never cover up his drinking. He’s too honest.”

________________________________________

“Wanna ditch Dr. Killjoy and… hop in the company jet? Little trip down Mexico Way. And I’m not talking about the country or the plane. “
“Do you think acting like an idiot and talking about sex works on girls?”
“Well, if it didn’t, the human race would have died out long ago. ”

________________________________________

“Now we got the medical stuff out of the way. Why don’t we meet back at your place for some enhanced interrogation techniques?”

“My safe word is, “help, please, please stop”. It’s two “pleases”. Anything less than that, you keep going. “
“You actually cure this guy, I’ll show you my private water board. ”

_______________________________________

“You know, I happen to have a position available on my penis. “

“Wait a second, I think I screwed up that joke. “
“You offering me a job?”
“I’d settle for that. “
“As tempting as a position on your _staff_ is, I like it here. “
“Pays better. And we’ve only had one assassination attempt. “
“And I’m sure you’re a great boss. That’s why your fellows left en masse a couple of months ago. [whispering seductively] I have satellite images. ”

_______________________________________

“Vitamin C. Extremely high doses. It was experimental treatment protocol in the fifties. “
“And they haven’t finished yet?”
“They… lost funding. “
“That’s because there’s no logical reason Vitamin C would cure polio. “
” Well, someone thought there was. “
“Someone thought black people made excellent farm implements. “
“I’m not talking about hurting anyone. I just wanna force feed her some orange juice. “
“You wanna throw in some bacon and eggs as well?”
“If there’s anything you learn today, it’s gotta be that you can be wrong. “

_______________________________________

“There’s a lot you can learn in my fellowship. A few new procedures I could teach you. ‘Course, we’d need a nurse to prep. “
“I know how to kill a man with my thumb. “
“Actually, I was just trying to make another euphemism for sex. “
“So was I. “

“Oh, God. How can you flirt with this idiot? He lied to us again and again. He broke laws, ethical codes…”

“I was right. “
“That doesn’t mean everything. “
“It means a lot. [shakes Curtis' hand] Dr. Curtis. [shakes House's hand] Dr. House. Appreciate your help. ”

_______________________________________

“We cured it with Vitamin C. “
“Yeah. I cured depression with tonic water once. Actually, I think there was some gin in it too. ”

“Vitamin C cures polio. I’ve seen it. “
“Yeah. In some bush clinic. You needed polio in a place with a proper lab. The only problem is that places with proper labs don’t have polio. “
“There is no money in finding cures for diseases that only kill poor people. [to the others] This will make them do research. “

“And what do you care if I faked a lab test if it saves a few thousand lives? I did what I had to do. Isn’t that what you hired us for?”